whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
