new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i wish my penis had a tongue
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
