masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
