I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
