got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
