I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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