dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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