i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
