i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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