I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
