wat bout pragnant strippers??
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
