It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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