There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
