insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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