I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
