We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Soap is not a condiment
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
