none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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