Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
