You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
