my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The convent might be a nice break from real life
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have tasted many bathrooms
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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