does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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