This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You took a bar mat shot.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
