Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
