She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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