he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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