I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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