I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
