I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
