we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
