at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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