alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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