he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
