NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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