A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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