last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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