I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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