Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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