i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
