OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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