no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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