If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
