If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
