I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
