I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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