His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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