I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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