We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
