I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
