someone threw a dead crab at me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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