so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
