I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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