So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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