he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
