Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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