I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
