I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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