listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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