If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
