Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
either way he was missing a nipple.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
