I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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