I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
