I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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