They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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